forceofnature's Blog

so many things going wrong in my life, my grandson, I found out a while ago might have CF.  I found out, I don't have what I used to have, in myself.

If I come to EP, I spend sooo, much time, I used up what I have left.  I just don't have it left in me.

sooo

i am going to leave EP.  I will for a while, stay long enough to say goodbye to you, all my friends, but not much more.  I am drained. I want so desperately, to reach to the people here.  I want so bad to help and respond, but....

If I read all the stories, I hurt for you, my empathy does that.  I want to hold you in your pain, honestly.  I wish I could take it from you...

I can't anymore.

 I have been sick considerably, and often.  I am sure those of you WHO know me, I am an open loving person, but often I find I will love you all, ad care soo much, I take it from myself.

so know I love you all.  I am sorry, I have to be selfish now.

You know, I have had a few bad weeks.  At best, it has been trying.  I had surgery, found out I was a walking business supply, then realized I had very dark memories attached to that. 

I realized that the things I thought I could be, were gone, then I was given a necklace to wear constantly, saying...I couldn't be trusted. (or so it seems)

I have lost my mobility, my Independence, my strength, and now, it seems like once again...I have lost my self-worth.  I have struggled with this, continually, for years and years.  I used to be one  of those people, that always looked for the open window when the door closed.  Always planned if this didn't work out, I could that, or try something here, or there.  I always hoped and believed there was an alternative to the current path, if it didn't work out.
No, I am not scheming, I am a survivor.  I was never under-handed.  I always thought that sometimes the path wasn't always clear, I thought that the pathway before me may not always have been obvious, so I always looked for alternatives, which could be the other way for me to find a way to do what needed to be done.

By "to be done" I mean, a way to be useful, helpful, a contributor to society, my family, and my loved ones.

   See, all my life, all I really wanted, was to be useful.  All I wanted was to be not financially rich, or famous, but successful in other ways.  I just wanted to help.  I just wanted to know I made one little ripple, and most importantly, it didn't mean anyone knew I made a ripple, but I wanted to make a ripple.

I wanted to know, that I had changed the way things had been, the bad things of course, but if all the bad things in the world like hunger, hate, injustices, poverty, abuse, neglect of anyone or thing, say if that was the still water, I wanted to stick my finger in the water and start a ripple. 

NOW...

I don't know if there are any ripple making abilities left in me.  I feel like every time I find one way to contribute...Something else in me gives away.  I will look and see another opportunity to help, and find only that it is not anything available to me.

I wanted to help foster kids, now with my health, and the new lifeline necklace, well if I can't be left alone for myself, I can't be left alone with kids...what if something happens.

I am finding that the more things to do in this world, and the more things need to be changed...the less I can help with any of it.

It has saddened me, beyond all measure, for someone whose whole life's goals were to just help, now needing help herself,, it is crushing.

After being depressed, because things have been, well, difficult, lately. 

I thought I would talk about some funny things.  True funny things.

Now I don't get out much, and my personal outlets to the world are primarily EP, and yes,although it may not seem possible,...other sites, and my email.

Almost everyone who knows me, knows my love of animals.  Oh, I do.  I love animals.  Through out my life, it has been one of the constants, I have always had pets, fostered animals, been curious about animals and loved trips to the zoo. 
In addition to this,many people who know me,will always send me, emails one after another, (NO I AM NOT COMPLAINING!) of animals doing silly things!  Oh 99% of the time, I cackle and crackle over them!

So on to my stories of humor.  I currently have 5 animals, the youngest and most recent acquisition is a little yellow and white kitten.  This summer, while working on the exterior of our landscaping, a group of us was sitting outside.   I heard, this little sound and it wasn't very loud, but it sounded an awful a lot  like a cat.  Yet is seemed so small, though you could hear it, it was no where to be seen but you souled hear it.

The next day, we all got out and began the plans for the day.  Oh, we worked most of the day away, Oh because someone...who shall not be named, ( MEEEE :l), made up a honey do list as long as the Chicago Phone book!  Oh we worked until dusk, and then it came again, only this time, I saw it.  there was the cutest little yellow and white kitten.  he was crying and looking into the window of all the neighbors house.  He came in that night and has been inside ever since

he thinks he's a dog.  he licks...just like the dogs he's around.  he thinks his place on the bed ...is ON MY FACE!  Seriously.  He will lay across my face at night.lol.

Now as if this wasn't enough, I was sick recently, which also included a sore nose.  It was  a bit raw, after blowing it repeatedly. I went to sleep and 4 hours later I woke up, with this horrible pain on my nose. 

I awoke, to the stinker, kissing ( licking) my nose like a dog would, because it was sore.I was horrified, then, as sick as I was...I saw the humor in this silly little cat, who at 8 months old now, thinks and behaves like a dog.  He growls like a dog, he runs to the door, when the dogs go out, (although when he has went outside, he realized he was back outside again, he was terrified,  jumped straight up, and then ran into the house as quickly go.)

 He runs around with the dogs and plays catch with the dogs and other cat here at home.  Occasionally, he will wait till one of the dogs comes through, tap them lightly with his paws, or bite their tail, (yeah he nibbles on them), then tears out throughout the rest of the house.

Now that is not to say that my dogs aren't confused as well.

I gave, I gave a lot.  Well, my kids don't think so , but I did.

I gave so very much of me it seems, I may have given it all.  I am scared sort of, and yet a part of me is telling me to quit fighting, go ahead and let it be what it is going to be.

My heart and head have always been a driving force for me.  I would never quit looking for the answers to the question, what other options are there.  How can this be made better, just so I can go on.  In all that, it was rarely for me, I thought about, it was what else  I could do.  Because surely there has to be something I can do.  something.

I have thought and fought and figured out how if this doesn't work I can still do something else.  Surely there is something vital in this world for me to contribute to.

OK, if I can't walk, then I will do on line education, then I can star a business, or a non-profit (again),

I can stay home, take care of teens who need taken care of.  Then I will go back to school, learn to be a grant writer, so I can write grant for non-profits already established.  Each and every plan, required less and less of me, but always, I thought there must be something left for me.

Each and every time, I figured out a way to contribute...I had that certain ability..taken away.  now I am down to little. very little.

I am capable of love.  for what that is worth,(in some of my families circles it ain't shiiieeeeaaat). Oh well, I can't change that though.  I thought I could, I Tried that for years and failed miserably at it,but it takes 2 to tango on that one.I have Fibromyalgia, which affects many parts of the body, and it can go from debilitating to minimal affect on some, I am somewhere in the debilitating, but not quite.

I have Multiple Sclerosis.  It used to come in and out, but now it just stays, affecting many parts of my body.  I have Lung disease, the lower lobes are freezing and getting very hard, and it is progressive.  It doesn't qualify as cancer, and for that I am glad, but it is a creeping thing, that you slowly loose your lung function.  But of course I have COPD, Which is another form of Lung disease, and though it is supposed to be progressive, it hasn't been.

I found out, when I came out of the hospital a few weeks ago.  That I had had congestive heart failure.  which isn't bad, take a few water pills and your fine, except...I can't take water pills, I have kidney disease.  Not only do I pass Kidney stone on a very regular basis, but there is an actual bulb off one of my kidney, due to a doctors error after surgery.  Water pills causes bleeding from my kidneys, blocks the ureters, and run the risk of busting one of them if there is a stone in it.  SO no water pills for the CHF.

Oh, then.."While we're talking about your heart.  You have heart disease, called cardiomegaly."  Fine, sure, add it on.  Nothing they can do, 50% of one side of my heart is bigger than the other.  bunches of complications, yada yada yada...nope no working a non-profit now huh?  Some of my medicines are having an affect on the liver.  so they are weighing out the options for that as well.

Oh, while I'm at it, I'm in a wheel chair, most likely permanently.I am as weak as a kitten, and now have to have help for most thing, well except being on line.  I often have to take a couple of naps a day.  then I still am passing out at least once a day as it is.  Pretty much took any goals I had...threw them out the window.

On a good note, my pancreas...at this time....is in good health. and the third toe on the left foot..well it's still straight!

Oddly, I went back to school, so I could teach kids, middle school kids.  I have started 2 non-profits, I have bailed out a bunch of troubled teens.  My husband says I'd give away everything we had, if he'd let me...and there is a certain amount of truth in that.  All I ever wanted to do, was to help.

I survived horrendous things, abuses no one should have endured.  truly.  All I ever wanted was to help.  to learn...so I could help, to earn so I could make a difference.  and now it seems every time I find something to do, so I can do just one or two more things to help...I have that option gone.  and it hurts.

I have to admit I am scared too.  I don't like it here.

Part of me says quit whining, you have had a good run, there are truly others in worse condition than you, I UNDERSTAND THAT!  I know of some, which is why I have always wanted to help.  I don't know at his point if I should give up, just quit searching for the one thing that is going to make me better, or just accept this.  be done with the "there has to be something someone missed".

Truth be told I am tired.  I don't feel like I have a lot of fight left in me.  My own children didn't bother to call on Christmas.  I had cheese and crackers for dinner, and my husband went to bed, so he could get back up to go to work Christmas night.

I sat alone.  I'm tired, and I'm scared.

I just don't know where to go from here.

It's been hard here lately.  Very hard.  I guess the only reason I write these posts, is so I have a venue to vent and feel.

No One listens, when I cry.  No One hears I have changed, Neither do you feel that it is possible the things I say to you are real.  AND OH HOW THAT HURTS!

I have tried so hard to change the things I have error-ed in, I've tried to explain Ii can't reverse time, and make it right, or what you perceive as right.  You Kids think I should jump at your whim, but I am no longer able to do that.  You actually told me, "People don't get like you say and live through it", well evidently they do.  You keep telling me I don't know what YOU did for me?  what was it, I'd like to know, what you feel, that is.  How is it that you did so much for me, when your not here.

I have tried so very hard not to be my own mother.  Honestly I have.  I have tried so terribly terribly hard to apologize for things I have recognized I have done wrong, explaining this is all I have and am able to do.

You wanted me to uproot my life to  help you straighten out the messes you have created?  What's that about?  at your age, I had all 3 of you children, worked like a dog, did the supermom thing, yet evidently, I didn't teach you some things, self reliance, and respect.

You just can't see that person, who used to work so hard, and take so much, can't take any more can you?  Why is it so hard for you to recognize, I don't remember....That I am not avoiding you, your questions, or any of that.  I have a disease called ms.  It has taken so much of me...it has taken so much of my mind, and body.

How hard is it that when John calls you and says, she has a heart disease, and had congestive heart failure while in the hospital, you don't understand, My heart in weaker now.  and so am I because of it.  That I can't hardly walk,That I pass out daily, and if I wasn't in the wheelchair, I would be on the floor.

Why can't you understand, my lung aren't working, instead of yelling and blaming me, and then getting so mad you hung up on me, why don't you understand.

Why is it, you don't call.  That you feel I am personally striking out at you for some unknown reason.  why is s it, you don't realize, no I am not the Mom you remember, I AM NOT HER, I believe she died.

That woman who used to work and give to you, and do all she could for you, regardless of how she felt, she died, kids.  she worked herself to the grave, giving to you, and so many others.  Some of those others worked her to her grave too, and abused us all.  but they killed her.  I am not that person any more.  I can't take care o things for you,....I have to have someone help me get a bath. I have to rely on someone else to do things for me, like meals, dishes,Laundry.

Dang it, don't you realize, you aren't the only Person loosing here.  It isn't all about you.  It isn't how YOU feel right now, and I can't make you a priority, YOUR 26 AND 31!  good grief.  I was working the farm by myself, had you 3 kids and 4 others, plus whoever dropped off a relative.  I milked and fed and gardened, and fed you kids, with 5 discs out.....among other things.

Mostly...I would like to say, you hurt me.  You didn't bother calling Christmas.  You just don't bother at all.  and it hurts.  when you do call, it never fails, I am the one who has failed you again...according to you.

So I quit.  I feel like resigning as your parent is the only way you can get on with your life.  That if I were not here fro you to yell at and talk about how I caused you to do this and that and I wasn't there to do this other thing, than surely, life would be better for you.

So, as of today, I quit.  I am no longer your kicking dog.  I will no longer be available for your grief and stuff.  I am not going to kill myself, I am too mean for that. but I can resign my position!

I quit!

there are those here, who have realized I have been ill for quite a while.

Well, it finally got the best of me this time.  There seems to be no relief at times.  I had a 4 Day stay in the hospital, only to come still very ill, and VERY incapacitated. 

There are times when my husband, who I do know loves me, is not what you would want to call the most attentive individual.  He seems to in addition have a very hard time coping with my illness, which was indeed, VERY serious this time.  He seems to just be stopped in his tracks.  I don't know or understand this, but I also don't have the energy to fight HIS battles.

I am striving to get on.  I am temporarily restricted to bed or wheelchair, or rather supposed to be.  When I came home, I of course had the most warm and loving welcome from my animals children, and no they have not left Mommies side.

After I saw the reaction my husband was having, to my illness and sudden neediness, I have managed to retire to the bedroom, I have gathered my necessary items, and am staying here for a while.

But...

then I have all of you.  YOU my chosen REAL family.  The ones who I rely on, I count on, Who, regardless of your where abouts in this very SMALL globe of ours...I find you, and you warm me, with your love, understanding.

You have listened to me whine.  You have given me the greatest gifts of your hearts and souls.  I know that some of you would fly on your ethereal wings to help me if you were able, but you know what. 

You have.

You have told me you love me, that your worried, and you have reminded me that though I sit here with little help, I am surrounded by love.

I also have the Love and protection and HEALING OF THE LORD!....

In many ways I feel ashamed, I have been feeling somewhat sorry for myself, whine in truth, now that I am weak HE IS STRING for me.

thank you each and everyone who has sent gestures and cards and letters and prayers.

I love you all.  I am so thankful for you.

I don't know what or how I would be right this minute if it weren't for you. 

For those of you who feel your hands are so tied, where my situation is concerned...Tomorrow is another day...and you have strengthened me through the night.

Thank you all so very much.

I love you!

I have had quite a few comments, remarks as well as received some questions about my writing. 

I am sure if your reading my blog, you know by now, how very long winded I can be!  So I am going to try to be SHORT-WINDED, on a very, very long story! So..Shall we begin!

I can't tell you when I started writing.  I can tell you at age 6 I wrote poetry DOWN on paper.  My oldest sister used to like to play "school", and used to teach me how to read and write, I was one of those unusual children who WAS NOT sent to kindergarten.  My mother didn't believe in it.  So my oldest sister taught me EVERY afternoon, my "lessons". When i entered first grade, i was the only child to be able to do the things I could do.  I wrote.  I put down poems about things going on.  As a child I remember specifically writing poetry, my mother commenting on how it rhymed...then threw it away.  No I wasn't injured, I thought this is what you were supposed to do.  I remember telling stories prior to that, to my "invisible" friend, who really wasn't as invisible as most peoples.  Mine was a ghost!  Really!

By the time I was in what we called "middle school" (that's for all the other old folks). I had won quite a few awards for writing, The Young American Writers Award.  I wrote for our local news paper by the time I was 12.  I had 2 columns in our local paper.  One was covering ALL the schools in the area, as well I had a column on areas people who should be of notice to local residents. 

Then I wrote poetry for 10 years.  some short stories which weren't successful, but the poems were.  there were 6 that were published.  Sadly, now I can't tell you where or what they were.  Between life extremes of that time...I have forever lost those thoughts.    I have had a few things published since then, but not anything to be called "Famous".

That's the "tangible" part of my writing.  Now to the reality of it.  Way back as a youth, I have always had the story DROPPED into my head.  No not the story line (or synopsis) but the entire story.  I will write the story and FELL absolutely everything which is occurring within the story.  It is a very weird feeling to be able to see the life and emotions of someone who is fictional.  To give you an example, I wrote a story about the marriage and abuse a woman lived.  I wrote in detail the occurrences between her husband and herself.  (No none of the abuse was ever anything I lived through).  I shook the entire time I write the story.  I could feel her fear,

AND HIS DEMONIC ATTRIBUTES.  I felt his darkness, thoughts, emotions too.  It was hard and still is.  I couldn't finish this story, not yet at least.  It is a very dark tale, entirely fictional, and terribly exhausting.

Before anyone suggests it, no it is NOT auto writing.  Those individuals don't realize what they are living, I have also done quite a bit of research that as far as I have been able to find out, these facts have never occurred, so the thought I was having premonitions were not the explanation either.  When I leave writing a story, the emotions I feel, the characters I absorb, are "on hold".  I have spoken to other authors, and some have expressed the same experiences.

One thing I have heard is how I write so you are in the moment.  When I write something for someone to read, I want you to be here, right there to "see" the things I write.  I always try whether it is an email, a comment, a child's story, or a dark tale of terror, I want you to know what it is your reading.  Does that make ANY sense?

This is such a hard blog/thing for me to share.  In my earlier days, I was ridiculed for my ability, i.e. it was thrown away.  I didn't think my talents were unusual.  As I write this story, I am sharing a part of myself I usually don't share.  I usually just say, I write.  I feel ashamed about it at times as well.  I am shaking inside terribly, for fear of being targeted for ridicule.  Now I know I have seldom received that sort of treatment here.

I write to share.  I write to enlighten, I write to inform, very seldom is the thought that someone will actually "enjoy" what I write ever cross my mind.  When I write, I want you to think I am sitting next to you, talking about something, sharing, laughing.  I want you to see what I see, hear, feel, smell, so on.  That is  why I guess I am so long winded, I want you to HAVE those feeling, not the words. 

I know this may sound so silly, strange, unusual, or even flat out WEIRD.  But it is what I do, I am, I give.  That is what I do, I give. 

SO there it is...the who what and why I write!  Now don't you feel special?

I know we all make mistakes. All of us. No one is excluded from this category. Many of us will try desperately to lie our way out of them, avoidance is another thing. I guess my question is, when we KNOW in our hearts, we have made a mistake, how do we admit it.

There are several times in the course of everyday, each and everyone of us makes mistakes. Whether it is (yes I have done this), ruining someone clothing in a wash cycle and mysteriously its ended up in the trash to cover our hides, or lost money and not told your husband/parent/significant other. It may have been a bumper bender which is barely noticeable.

There are other mistakes we make as well. Trusting those we shouldn't, finding out that you have made a humongous money error, putting faith in others we shouldn't have. Then there are the mistake like...being addicted to something, drugs, alcohol, sex. Cheating is another thing that many deal with. Portraying yourself as another person to those outside your home, ( we all know those people, they act like the perfect employee, perfect family person, perfect business person) this is another mistake some make.

So the question I propose is, when do you admit your errors? How do you do it. I have problems myself that I have a terrible time admitting to myself, let alone to others, my own mistakes. I want to be seen as a better person than I really am. I find that sometimes though it is a terrifying thought to "fan ones laundry", though it is supposed to be good for the should? It is terrifying to think of! How will my life change, and will it be for the better?

How do we approach someone we know with the fact they are committing a huge error. You may know why, but what happens when that comes about, you risk a friendship, relationship with a family member/spouse. DO we want to stop having contact with those people, just how long and in what ways should we admit to our OWN issues?

I am open for advise?

If indeed it is elves or fairies, I wish they really didn't know what sizes I wear, and what my taste in clothing is.  That being said, I am leaning toward the latter of the above sentence.  I must have a clothing addiction.  I believe this because I have been doing laundry for two days and low and behold...I am still washing.  Now, some would say that well, you have more than yourself.  Yep, sure do, I have a husband and 5 animals.

That's IT!  The little dogs are wearing my clothing and mustering it up!  NOT.

I just have too many clothes. 

We have been under the constant flux here from remodeling and moving the things of our lost loved one, and just generally reclaiming what is ours. 

OK, so here has been MY plan.

Go into a room...decimate it!  Take it to bare bones, remove everything.  Go through it ALL, sort shift, discard, clean replace where everything in the room is perfect and ORGANIZED!  WOO HOO.

the problem...What comes out, has to go somewhere? 

If you remove it from one room...where you going to put it until 1) you can sort through it. 2) you feel good enough to go through it 3) where are you going to keep those things till then?

Enter ...space bags, garbage bags, eye socket bags!

OK, antiques, doilies likely never to be used again, and memento's which should be protected go into space bags... DONE!

throw out things not worth saving...ummm, we might do this a few times, because well,...I just might want that, OR I might get into that,   OR You know I could save that and put into a quilt, or cleaning rags, or.... (well I am sure you get by now)

NOW, onto the reality.  I have WAY to many clothes.  No I CAN'T get rid of them.  Some are versatile outfits.  For church, meetings, going out, or you know holidays, ( Yeah and I could win the Lottery and what would I wear)

I have clothing for working outside.  Yep...plenty of them.  It may not have officially started that way but who throws out a perfectly good fitting bleach and dirt (permanently stained) Jeans?

I have all the other clothing. 

I think I have an addiction to the potential I used to have.  Ergo the 14 dress outfits and suits.  Too many  outdoor clothing.  Just plain and simple.  Then there are the other outfits.  Just too many cute outfits!

Here's the truth.  When I was younger, they never EVER called me Jackie (yeah that is my name), they called me Jack.  Yep a boys name.  Oh wait..I was fine with that, because I truly thought I was supposed to be a boy anyway.  I liked tools, Fields and the woods.  I liked bumming underneath the cars, and fixing the water.  I had no problem except..OH I am a girl.  I really struggled with this for years.  I choose to go into traditionally male dominated jobs, (yep and broke a few of the old theories of woman during this time).  I fixed my car.  I was a single parent.  I did it all, anything a man could do, yep...me too.  (Boy and girls alike.  When they tell you girls you can't stand and pee, don't believe them, I tried that too!  Just to prove I could.  It was messy, But I could do it!)  I should have been a boy.  I didn't like dressing like girls did, I definitely didn't go for the whole cutesy tootsie, getting my hair curled thing!

Fast forward to ...COOL fashions!  OLD AGE!  and just the general discovery of great fitting jeans.  There is my issue.  I found out I am A GIRL!  A girl who can match clothing, arrange pictures, shape and figure out how to decorate my world.  Beginning with the inventory of filled hangers in my closet!  LOL..Oh it is such an issue.

I had the clothing in the one room, waiting for my strength to be rebuilt.  Oh...enter...

THE DOGS!  The ones that think their mommy REALLY loves them, they know this because look what she did for us...She made great new beds for us in the laundry baskets!  Yep...they got all over the sorted clothing and well...the clothing got clirty...I am hoping you know clirty.

its a combination of clean and dirty.  Yep my clean clothes were clirty, they were contaminated by my animals dirty feet.  CLIRTY!

OK...today, I bit the bullet.  It IS LAUNDRY-DAY...OK DAYS!

two days and counting.  but this has given me a chance to get reacquainted with many items I haven't seen in a while, and yes I vow to touch them in the next 6 months!

My addiction is apparent.  I admit it.  Trust me I am on the semi road to recovery.  I did get rid of some, donated to our local free charity.  But that has left me with 5 weeks of non-repeating outfits.

So, as I go through the outfits, I plan on putting markers, otherwise known as going to the ends of the closet, so I know which I will get rid of in the spring!

Wish me luck!

I hated the thought of planning each moment out.  Thinking I "had to " do this at this time and that at that time.  Oh, My mother used to pound this crap in my head.  She had a schedule.  She kept it alright.

If we were late for dinner, we were s.o.l., if we went there when she was leaving...too bad, she had a scedule to keep. 

So tat being said, the whole thought I was going to apply a morning routine to my life...well, it kinda put a bad taste in my mouth!  Understand.  BUT...I had/have to....

With my health the way it is, there are certain things that DON'T work.  Getting out of bed anytime I should happen to wake up in a really bad idea for a person on medications.  If you sleep too long...you out sleep you meds.  You end up feeling worse, and generally because you have at least an hour before the most of it kicks in. 

The whole jump out of bed early, run, do what you can, take your medicine and wait for it to kick in, and when it does, it now has to cover a wider spectrum of pain becuase you have just challenged the world and it has won!  It has left it mark in you with pain.

soo  all that is being said.

I HAD TO SET ME UP A ROUTINE!  ICK!

I set my alarm when I go to bed.  I figure out when I have to go somewhere, and leave myself at least 1-( ONE) hour in bed.  I sit up, watch the news, get online and check up on my friends.  But before any of that...I take my medicine.  I don't do anything before that.  This way..as I do the thing here in bed, I get them done leaving me room to do what else I need to do, all with  the effect of my medicine at full swing!

I hate this fact, but have come to cherish my 1 hour respite!  It allows me...time to work my ead, wothout the screaming of everything else.  my body, my husband, my pets.  It is MINE.  so, I am guessing, it isn't a bad thing to have a routine/ritual..just don't NOT be flexable!

that is my private goal, that and toNOT BE MY MOTHER!

Oh, I know you KNOW who you are.  You ever so special people.  Those of you, who spread out, extended yourself, and ran to me.

This, this is my tribute to you.

You call me, I CANNOT BELIEVE IT!  You crossed over to my world and have blessed me.  You came into my life and offeed me things, maybe no one but ourselves understands.  You offered me your heart.  Unconditionally.  Open arms, loving, accepting hearts.

Here, if you want to know what you mean to me, in reality.....

You are as precious as rare and never before seen diamond.  Not the humongous ones, the one that is so prefect in it's shape.  No imprefections.  This diamond is not only perfect, but it comes out without need of any grinding or cutting.  No manipulation by a mans hand.  Just the PERFECT, Unique gem.  so precious only GOD could have delivered it!

Running into you here, it like walking pst the unknown bush with seldom noticed flower.  Suddenly you realise, this diminutive flower suddenly embraces you with the sweetest most heavenly scent you can imagine, and it makes you stop.

You my dear dear friend.  You are that sunset, where all the colors show, from the most vibrant  of reds to orange, the lushousness of purple, to hues of violet, mixing into the deeper blues, on into the dark blues that meld into the dark of the sky.  where you just KNOW the stars wait to rise and shine there approval of the collors they replace.  You know that sunset...You look at it, and think its so perfect you wished you had a camera.

Your voice on the phone, its like having a birthday card...huge inside to show up on your doorstep.

Only to be followed by the big brown box ruck delivering you apackage you didn't know was coming.  Inside that box, is a box, is a box, is a box, is a box.  each box is wrapped in silly paper, and a beautiful bow,  You have to smile, because of the silliness, yet care put into this surprise package.  When you finally get to the last box, you find specific gift certificates, for choclates, massages, new clothing, motel rooms w/room service.  Also you find anne gettys pictures, and pictures of cute dogs, and all the woderful things that make you feel wonderful warm and fuzzy.

My loving, wonderful friend, I truly love you with all the depth my heart manage.  For you offer not less than you have offered and given me. 

I promise to you...forever.  I will forever be by your side, as your friend.  I promise that what ever comes our way.  I promise no matter what happens, where we go, we WILL grow old together.

You have overwhelmed my heart, and my soul. 

I love you.  Thank you for making me feel loved.  Thank you for giving me the chance to love you.  As only TRUE friends can, as forever friends do.  We will walk through ouor darknesses, we will enjoy our joys, with will laugh at our stupid experiences.  You lighten my soul!

thank you!

I love you!

Gosh am I ever glad the weekend is FINALLY here!  I have traveled the miles upon miles of road, from my little town in southwestern Indiana, to Indianapolis, four times this week.  It is a 3hour (128-140 miles) trip one way.  Then once there, the new doctor I have been going to has been doing both tests, as well as cocktail injections for both pain and MS. 

So far, I have received 26 individual sticks, on three different days.  Then there were the interesting tests, something called a V.E.N.G., an emg, as well as blood draws, and now we're heading for an EEG on Tuesday and Monday is bringing another series of injections. 

The doctor isa good one.  Full of bedside manner, as well as it seems he is digging into every crevice to look under every rock there is.

So far....He has said the MS is definite.  Also, He has said the main nerve, running from the head to butt along the spine is severely damaged.  The peripheral nerves from there are damaged as well.  He has said there is a chance there is Lyme's disease too.  OK!  Thanks for the great news.

The shots have helped though.  I have, for the first time in longer than I can remember, seen the severe swelling in both hips and sides and back receded, while not loosing nor gaining a pound.  I am currently am able to turn my head from side to side.  I am also able to look up, I haven't done that in 16 years!  That impresses me. 

On the other side, the travel has taken a terrible effect on me.  I am hoping with some long overdue rest this evening, I will be able to take advantage of the benefits these injections are aimed at.  I have 2 days of rest a head of me.

I fell both yesterday, as I exited the vehicle on arrival back home, and the day before when I got inside the house after the trip.  Both falls required my husband picking up me up.  Carrying me into the house and aiding me once I was situated.  I was both ashamed from the bounce, as well as relieved from the aid.  He took care of the all the issues I was suffering at the time.

I am so hopeful that all this will be worth the trouble.  Right now, between the pain from travel and the needles used along with electrical current from the EMG,  WELLLLL, shall we say, I'm not exactly up to snuff.

I have had to admit to my husband and the teens (who have offered so generously to demolition of my kitchen for remodeling) that I am just unable to tolerate much more than adventurous trips to my bathroom this evening.  Now that's adventure, I'm here to tell you!  Now I know the teens wouldn't mind just coming and hanging out.  I am just not up to it.

I hope you forgive me for  not being here very much.  but I don't have a bunch of time before I leave everyday and I wanted to let you know I HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN YOU!  I have been on the road! 


I think I have told everyone I have MS.  I have found a doctor who not only has confirmed this, but the potential for Lyme's diseases as well.  My issue is not the diagnosis, its the travel.  
This doctor, ( accidentally fell into this guy!   yea!) graduated from the Mayo Clinic, he has quite a bit of great credentials, (I KNOW I google him and did a search on him, not that I would be skeptical!)
Now down to the problem.

He is 3 hours from where I live.  I am having to go EVERYDAY TO SEE HIM! He is attempting to entirely NUMB the nerve/nerve root/nerve endings until some of the medications he is adding to the shots takes into effect to get the issues to stop their progression.
Now I know this sounds like he is trying to use me as a money machine but, he is giving  us a gas card to ease the gas situation so I can get there.  In addition he said if this doesn't work and the travel actually turns out counter productive...then he is contacting the hospital around him, where he KNOWS they have permanent suites rented at local motels.  His idea is to put me in one of those suites for 2-3 weeks. free.  He said I  have been terribly neglected, and is truly trying...finally.

I am undergoing series of "cocktails" of injections.  When I get them, they help.  for a while, if the travel doesn't travel doesn't undo everything.  Which it has done for the last 2 trips.  

I miss everyone.  I wanted you to know what is up.

His diagnosis.  The main nerve, from the brain stem.  Is seriously and permanently damaged.  His attempt is to go from the top to the bottom, using his "cocktail, which includes copazone (an MS med) to numb/ deaden the nerves as well as getting the medication I need For the MS.  I KNOW this sounds extreme but after years of neglect from other physicians, and personal misuse.....  I have a bad situation.  He is going o start me on antibiotics next week to try to get at the Lyme's he  believes I ma have.  He has taken a blood test and is waiting for the results, but...he admitted usually they don't come back positive even if your in a full blown active Lyme's infection.  
I am at this time really quite lucky, and TIRED!  i  BELIEVE in this guy.  He has said a lot of the right things, done some extraordinary efforts on a personal level, and his credentials are VERY impressive!  

I love and miss you guys SO much!

hugs!
 

I originally hurt my neck in 1991.  Seems like that was so long ago, well it is.  I have fought so many types of pain since then.  A total emotional breakdown, surgery to remove 2 discs in my neck, physical and emotional abuse.  The list is so long.  Some I have long gotten over, but the pain remains. 

The fact is the physical pain is far worse now than is was all those years ago.  If the pain was someones temper, in 1991 it would have been someone being miffed, and now it is equal to a raging bull, attacking!  Back then it was in my neck, upper back and arms.  Now it is a virtual breakdown of most of my systems, and it is never ending.

I plan, I will forget the processes I want to do, so I will write down everything to be done it detail.  This also serves as mini-goals for me.  The problem I have though, is every time I plan, my body objects.  As if it has a mind its own, my body will go into spasms, my hips lock up so I can't walk.  Not psychological undermining, but physical impairments which stop me cold.  I will wake up and try to stand and the knees will buckle ,causing me to fall toward the floor.  Once I regain some stability, I will try to walk and find that one of my legs will drag, and all I have in me will be mustered up to drive my hips to unlock so I can walk.  I struggle for movement.

After I have managed to gain access to another room other then my bedroom, I will realize that everything I was wanting to do, the things which I had planned and looked so forward to, were being ripped from me.  Movement takes absolutely every ounce of strength, just to reach the bathroom and my ever faithful chair, the ability to accomplish any detail other than that, is that ever elusive brass ring.  Unattainable are the items so carefully listed and planned, the tiny little goals which will lighten my heart at even the thought.

My world is spiraling away.  I watch as all of the things that were me are ripped from me.  Oh, I was such a woman, so capable of so many things.  I was smart. I could learn and do ANYTHING.  I had muscles, 13" biceps, and I could lift and work better than most men.  I was willing to work, I enjoyed it.  I loved to work.  I had to work.  I had the ability to keep going even after working long labor intensive hours.

I decided to go back to school after my back gave out.  I did so well in school.  I had to quit so I could take care of my husbands Aunt for a while, and then my mind, the one thing I held as the ONE THING I STILL HAD, left.  I am slipping.  I can't remember things, conversations, events.  I am losing my children's youth.  Oh and I hurt emotionally from that.  I know I'm losing their childhood.  Not the bad moments only but my precious good memories of my children.

There are evenings, I sit and cry.  Alone, because my husband works at night, and because I don't do well at crying in front of anyone.  I have cried so much, there  are times when I can't cry anymore.  I don't want to cry anymore.  I don't want to cry for the things that hurt, I don't want to cry for the things I have lost, I don't cry for the pain I feel.  I want to be happy. 

I don't want the, "I won the lottery" happy, although if your listening GOD, I know where to shop still!  I would just be content, with doing some things.  I want to be able to clean my house regularly.  I would find such joy, absolute JOY in being able to do my shopping.  I could be delighted to just take a stroll around my neighborhood, cut my grass without going to bed for 3 days, rearrange my living room furniture, do my laundry completely, or even cook two meals in a row.

I hurt.  I want scream sometimes.  I get so frustrated when my legs go numb, as if they are asleep, and then I realize I can't stand on them.  My neck aches, burns, hurts, throbs!  I have seizures, and I KNOW IT WHEN I HAVE THEM!  I am loosing my eyesight.  So many of my internal functions don't work right, and I have to adapt my life for them as well.  I hurt.

You would think that since it's been seventeen years of a downhill slide, I would have become to the downhill progression, but I'm not.  I wish, if have to loose memories, it would be of the person I used to be, not of my children.  I wish I could forget the the abuse, not the conversations I have had with my husband.

I want to forget, I want to forget what it was like before the pain.  I want to forget how I felt after I was molested at church, or raped, or the day my son went missing.  I want to remember what I said ten minutes ago.  I want to remember how to do things and the processes for doing things, like which piece needs to go before which piece so things can be moved in a room. 

MORE THAN ANYTHING

I want to quit hurting so bad.  I want to quit breaking down.  I want to be useful, even slightly would be good.  If I can't than I want to go home to GOD.  I want to be useful in HEAVEN, I want to sing in the heavenly choir.  I want to watch my grandchildren grow from HEAVEN and enjoy it, without the worry of how the pain is going to seep into my life, or if I am going to forget their beautiful smiles.

I won't hurrying things up, But I will pray for resolution.

Because the truth is, after all these years...I have never gotten use to it, I have never been able to adjust to the words, "I can't".  I don't think I ever will!

Let me start out with an apology.  ranting is not a pretty way to be, neither is self-centering's, but for today this piece is about "I", "ME", MY".  for that you have my apologies!

Phew, I have been through so much you would think that at some point in my life I would be allowed some enjoyment.

I earned my first money working as a waitress for banquets when I was 7, yes, I mean seven.  I started my first regular 40 hour a week job when I was 13, so I could give them money to my mother to pay her for my part of the rent!  Yes she charged me rent.  I was told how useless I was, how ugly I was, how no good I was, how undesirable I would be to men.  BY MY MOTHER!

I went on. 

I was then told I was supposed to be the one to take care of everyone.  Since you have no one, and aren't likely to get anyone, you need to take of your grandmother, your sister (who was older), her children, Then It was time to take care of Mom and her husband, and my own children and then the now ex-husband and his four children, and then the 4 thrown away kids (parents threw them tot he streets), The then now husbands AUNT! 

I get it, I am a caregiver I guess.

Meanwhile someone has to support these people right?

So I worked, and worked.  I was single most of my life, (no the kids fathers were not my husbands), I took care of these people.  Until I got married this time the men in my life were jerks and lazy SO_.

So what am I mad about.  I am mad about ME!  After doing and going through all I have, wouldn't you think it would be my turn?  It isn't like I want to travel the world.  I don't want to drive luxury cars and wear lots and lots of diamonds.  I don't want the 2 million dollar home.

I still want to help.

And I can't.

and IT MAKES ME MAD!

I want to do a few things for my wonderful neighbor.  I want to be a foster parent.  I want to be VITAL!  and I can't.  I do things now and then and pay drastically.  I hurt terribly. I cry often.

I try to be lighthearted as not to bring everyone around me down, but OH I am sad so much, I have lost so much to my disability.  and that is what it is..a disabling of who I want to be, who I used to be, and who I could be.

Goodness knows I have been raped, beaten (multiple times by multiple people), put down to feeling I was imposing on the world,

AND I GOT OVER IT!  I am a survivalist,

but now, I can't do much anymore and there is NO WAY to get through this

and it PISSES me OFF!   YES I AM VERY VERY Angry!

My health isn't always the greatest.  In addition, I sometimes feel so depressed and undeserving.  I am sad as well.

This summer, we have been doing some renovations and remodeling of my home.  My husband and I were able to afford the supplies but not the labor.  We were blessed to have friends step up and offer to put the fence in for our Dogs to run.  Then their children came to stay for a while to help.  I was amazed.

One of the kids is a 14 year old girl.  A wonderful 14 year old girl.  She had stayed with us before, and we had talked about her visiting for a while this summer anyway.  WELL, the visit has been MOST of the summer,

How can I describe this.  She is inspiring.  Having Her around here has been the most wonderful thing for me.  She has not only worked, but she has just been here.  She calls me her "other mother", and I feel like her mother and she feels like my other daughter.  It has been the GREATEST summer I can remember.  She shares my love,  we are a team.  We have undertaken some true adventures in landscaping, we have grown so close.

I know that school is going to start and she is going to go back home for the year, my heart is breaking.  I have dogs that don't really acceot other people, they love her.  She is their "other mommy"  To watch her interact with my animals is enlightening in the depth of the woner of her.  She loves deeper than most people.  She is wonderful.

My animals, they love her.  She loves them.  I have been blessed this summer, she makes me smile, all the way down to my soul, having her around reminds me of the greatness of the power of someone young.

I have to thank GOD for the opportunity to have Her in  my life.

But I'll be redundent.

     After my ex-husband beat me for 4 1/2 hours back in 1995, I was having a hard time emotionally.  All of a sudden I get a phone call to come home now.  I thought there was a major emergency, but instead I found that they had brought home the sweetest puffiest red border collie puppy, I'd ever seen.  He was beautiful, and he was about four weeks old.  My son got to name him and choose the name "Ralph", (he was never able to tell us why). 

later that year we ended up getting Ralph a companion who'd been locked in a dog carrier for eighteen hours a day.  This was "Linky".  My ex. stlked me, terrified me and generally made life miserable for a while, and Ralph and Linky saved the day for me many a night of crying and hiding. 

They went through my sons drug addiction and self destruction, my other kids growing up and moving away to college and other places in the world. 

They were wonderful.  They knew no strangers, had no malice, unless you tried to hurt their mommy.  They even took to the mean kitten one of the kids brought home named, Lexi when they were less than a year old! ( oh she was truelly MEAN TOO for a while) 

Each of them came from a different form of rescue.  Ralph, a cage, in the barn, Linky a neglectful house and Lexi was one hour from euthanazia.  They were my babies.  I had promised after watching my ex-husband, trade and kill my other animals, when I got another animal it would be treated as best as possible, I kept that promise to them.  They reciprocated as well, they treated me wonderfully. 

Ralph started first, as a chronic pain sufferer, I watched my beloved friend lose control, and his legs shake when he went out.  Right around the same time Linky started to lose his eyesight.  I knew I had to make the tough decision.  It wasn't fair to them to mandate they live in the same hell I do.  So when they were each a little over sixteen years old I had to make a final visit with eachh one, and then I brought them home so I can still watch out for them.

four months after losing Ralph and Linky passed, I lost Lexi.

Their graveyard is in my backyard, I had planted flowers on it, but it never seemed right.  So this weekend, I managed to cover their little graveyard with landscaping fabric, surround it with red brick and cover it with Mulch.  I aranged each ones headstone and little things in the area to befit my friends. Now it feels like they have the pretty place to be, and stay.  It comforted me to know I was still able to take care of them.  I still cry with their loss.

My mood: somewhat tired
 

So many times I find that thie things and peole around me love me.  My husband adores me, for that I will forever be grateful...But I think he is crazy.

I have had a veritable multitude of experiences.  From being raped to working with the handicapped to working wih the people in appalacia, trying to form some wayto generate income to raise the quality of life.  the treatment of children and animals is shameful insome of the areas.

I have struggled with depression, but being able to do something...anything helps.  It has been a few years since I've been able to do anything, that upsets me.

I lived in the mountain region of ky. for 12 years, I heard and watched as animals were treated awfully.  My ex-husband one time went out and shot all the dogs on our property, and this was considered fine...because they really didn't have any feelings.

I watched as they traded horses, mules, dogs and anything they thought they would "trade-up" with.

I swore when I left that any pet to come into my life would be treated as a child.  I also swore any child I encountered, would be treated with the most love and affection I could muster.

Since leaving there, I have encountered more people with the same amount of love that I have.  It is inspiring.  I thank everyone who stops by.  I am grateful there are so many people who love animals the way I do. 

as I have said before, I have a bad back.  BUT we are in the process of doing some remodeling.  I also have been blessed to be the person that kids who don't know where togo , come to me.  Today it was a 14 year old girl who has decided to stay at my house for a while...6 weeks so far.

Well, today we decided to make a flower bed outside.  my back and shoveling isn't the best of plans but, I won't lay down and say life is over.  So my 14 yr. old refugee and I dug dirt, planted flowers, transplanted trees and made the graveyard for my lost lovely animals look great.

so, I am sore and so happy to see the things that have been accomplished.  Now I am being very freindly with my cane, but I am walking cripled up with a smile!  there are somethings that are so worth it!

We recently expnded our fence for the dogs.  now they run around it barking, making sure No One gets near their mommy!

I am Often ill.  I am disabled and they make sure that if I feel bad, they have my back covered!